Some are quite lame but …
- Where is baseball first mentioned in the Bible? “In the Big Inning”
- Where is tennis first mentioned in the Bible? “Joseph served on Pharaoh’s court”
- Who was the first constipated person in the Bible? “Cain. Because he wasn’t Abel.”
- Who was the smallest person in the Bible? “Peter, who slept on his watch.”
- And the Lord said to Moses, “Come forth!” But he came fifth and failed to qualify.
- Peter was actually well educated and wealthy… apparently he had great “net”-results.
- What kind of car did the Apostles drive? A Honda… because they were in one Accord!
- Jesus and Moses are about to tee off when a third golfer joins their party. Moses goes first, but he hits a slice and the ball plops into a water hazard. Nonplussed, he goes to the pond, raises his club, the water parts, and he is able to chip back onto the fairway from the dry bottom. Next up is Jesus, and he, too, hits a slice to the pond, but the ball miraculously hovers above the water at tee height. Jesus walks across the water, and with a driver hits the ball almost to the green, right in the fairway. The third golfer tees off. Again, a slice, and just before the ball hits the water, a large salmon leaps out and swallows it. As the salmon lands back in the water, before it can dive, an eagle catches it in its talons and flies off and over the green, where it loses grip and drops the fish, which expels the ball on impact. The ball rolls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus. “I hate playing with your dad.”
- Jesus personally claimed to be God: “I am divine. You are de branches.”
- Who smoked the first cigarette in the Bible? Rebekah, because “she lighted off the camel.”
- Who was the Bible’s greatest investor? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went to the Nile and took out a little prophet.
- “You come from dust and you will return to dust.” That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
- JESUS SAVES, but MOSES INVESTS!
- Paul doesn’t align the text in his Word documents since justification is by faith.
- Why was Pharaoh’s daughter a great businesswoman? She was able to pull a small prophet out of the rushes on the bank.
- Why didn’t Moses go fishing? He had only two worms.
- What time of day did God create Adam? Just before Eve.
- How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- I only believe 12.5% of the Bible. I’m an “eight-theist.”
- God spoke through Balaam’s donkey. “Well, that explains a few sermons I’ve heard.”
- Did you know the three wise men were firemen? They came from afar. [said with a southern drawl.]
- Which area of the Promised Land is especially wealthy? The area around the Jordan where the banks keep overflowing.
- How do we know God likes coffee? Because the Bible says He brews.
- What did Adam say to Eve when handing her something to wear? “Take it or leaf it.”
- There was a man who was righteous in the eyes of God who reached the end of his life. He negotiated with God about whether he could bring something with him. God relented and said he could bring whatever he could fit in one bag. During his sick bed, the rich man ordered that all his estate and everything he owned be sold, exchanged for bars of gold, and that the bag be placed in the coffin with him. After arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, an angel of the Lord would not permit him to enter. The man told the angel that he had been given permission by God to bring one item. After confirming the man’s story, the angel allowed him to enter. The angel, wanting to see what the man was bringing into Heaven, asked him to open his bag. After looking at it, the angel asked, “Why did you bring pavement?”
- A couple is killed in a car crash and find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates. They hear Peter reviewing a man ahead of them: “Oh, this doesn’t look good, sir. You loved money so much you even married a woman named ‘Penny.’ Go over to that elevator and push the down button.” The next man stepped forward and Peter shook his head again. “Mister, you were were a drunkard who loved wine so much you even married a woman named ‘Sherry.’ Go over to the elevator and push the down button.” At that, the next man in line left his wife’s side and headed for the elevator, calling back to his wife, “So long, Fanny!”
- Who was the most popular actor in the Bible? Samson, because he brought the house down.
- Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck.
- “On Jordan’s bank the Baptists cry, if I were one then so would I… thank God I am an Anglican.”
- At Christian camp: “My shack, your shack, and to bed we go!!”
- Moses to the psychiatrist: “You’re too tense.”
- God, Jesus, and Moses are out on the golf course when they arrive at a par-4 hole with a large pond in front of the green. God and Moses lay up with their tee shots, so as to carry their second shots over the water and onto the green. Then Jesus steps up, intending to carry the water with his tee shot. But God says: “Hey, Jesus, remember… you’re not Arnold Palmer!” Jesus ignores him, steps up, and promptly hits his tee shot into the middle of the pond. Afterwards, he strolls down the fairway and then nonchalantly walks out onto the water to play his second shot. Just then, as God and Moses walk up the fairway, a local spectator asks: “Who does that guy think he is… Jesus Christ?” God replies: “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
- Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible? Job, because he had the most patients.
- Who was the best businesswoman in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter, because she found a little profit in the bulrushes.
- Who was the best businessman in the Bible? Noah, because he floated his stock when the rest of the world was liquidated.
